Sister to Sister

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To my sister:

First, how did it happen? How did you go from putting your bangs in a colita, to using hair straighteners, and MAC Cosmetics? How is it possible to hold on to time so that you can stay this way forever? If I could, I’d stop it. Right now. There are so many things left unsaid each and every day. So here’s my way of summarizing it, before you grow up even more. Continue reading

Some just ask too many questions. -Personal

What do I cherish the most?

People: I cherish those people who believe in me. Those who believed in me from the start, not just when I began to better myself.

Places: I cherish the Tower that over looks Downtown Kansas City. Its breath taking, goose bump causingly beautiful. It make you cherish life.

Things: I cherish books. This is my favorite response. I cherish books because they take me to a good place. They take me to a better person. A better character. I cherish books because when I’m losing myself, I began to find me through out the pages. I cherish words. I cherish writing utensils. Words come out better through my hands than through my mouth. Life makes sense when I write.

What is the biggest secret that you have?

I told you, I don’t have secrets. I have untold stories. Plus, if I had “the biggest secret” I would ruin that with just telling you, wouldn’t I?

What is one of your best untold stories?

That’s better. The fact that I was once capable of loving someone as much I loved one before. -that is my best, yet.

Loved? Why past tense?

Because. Love only finds you once. Once, if you’re even lucky for that.

So you don’t think you’ll ever be able to love again?

Yes. I do believe I will, one day. But I’m not so sure I’ll be able to love so bold, so hard, so fearless as I once did?

Who’s this lucky guy?

See, that’s why its an untold story. Moving on?

What makes you the way you are?

Other people’s lives. Lives I don’t want to have. I try to live the opposite. But not too good.

Biggest regret?

Letting go.

What did you let go of?

I don’t remember. I’ll let you know if it comes back to me.

*confused look* But how would you know what it is when it does come back?

Because it’ll be the best moment in my life. Who wouldn’t be able to know that?

What do you want to accomplish before you ‘kick the bucket?’

I want to live. Not just live, but live.

What do you want for your future?

I want to be like the lady checking out at my register. She was about 50-60 odd years old and bought a lot of portraits. “I’m just having fun.” She said when i asked her how she was doing. “I’m spending all my money. In a good way.” Gosh, the light in her soul was blinding me as she spoke. “I’m still trying to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up.” And she smiled. I want to be like her. Happy. Full of life. …butttt with a doctorate degree in neurology. But I do want to be happy.

If you could tell yourself something, what would it be?

I talk to myself everyday. You’ll see my driving and the radio won’t be on because I’ll be having a full convo with myself. I’m such a weirdo. But I beg myself to believe in me. To not trust in the future -too much. To live a day at a time, but with a small plan for tomorrow, just in case JC wants to give me another day. I mean, we gotta plan ahead a little, right?

Tell me anything about you.

I’m a sophomore in college that will soon join the army. I am starving for success and I will do just about anything to get there. I’m a control freak at times and I like things done the way I picture them. I’m open minded to just about everything. I’m the type who will drive hours just to keep the convo going between me and I. I believe there is good and bad in everybody. I believe one day I’m going to be the person I have always been chasing.

What do you believe in?

I thought the last question was the wrap up to this interview. I believe this question does not fit in and calls for a whole other post.

-Danna

What Does Love Mean to Me?

Love. What a lousy word for such a strange feeling. But really, its not just a feeling. I must confess it is also a state of being. A place. A person. A thing. Love is a noun, but much more. Love is where you want to be. Where you need to be. Where your heart wants you at. Love is everything and anything you want and do not want. Love is so much more than we can handle. Yes, we. 

Love is a confusing place. You don’t really know when you’re there, until you actually fall on your ass and bruise your heart. You don’t ever really know when it happened, it just did. Some way, some how.

“We fall in love like we fall asleep. Slowly, then all at once.”

John Green. He was so right, and still is.

Love is a place where you don’t mind the the rhythm being off beat. Where you can be there all day to hear the waves crash onto shore and splash you with the coldest water, only to hit you back into reality. That’s what love is. Love is cold, but yet warm. Too cold to make you bitter and too warm to burn your insides. Only you get to decide what love truly is, and how it will make you. Inside and out.

To me, love is when you can sleep at night knowing you have the best out there. Love is satisfaction. Its illumination. Its charm. Love is never wanting to let go even though you know someday you’ll have to. Love is hand holding until your hands sweat, until your knuckles turn red and the in between of your fingers become sore. Love is not giving a damn what is done in public. What is said, or what is expressed. Love is a place we’re all afraid of entering, because we all know one day we’ll have to exit.

We are afraid to love because we are afraid to hate. We are afraid to hate what we once loved-who we once loved.

Love is giving everything to someone – and I mean EVERYTHING; more than you thought you had…knowing that it is very possible you won’t get the same in return. Love is getting out there and doing that something no one would have seen you do. Love is a place we want to test all of our senses. A place where we die to be in, yet live for it. Love is thinking there is a happily ever after. Love is not giving to shits of what the outsiders say or hear. Love is a rumor waiting to be investigated Love is knowing you will get hurt but there you are swimming with the sharks. That’s what love is. Careless. Wild. Free. Scary. Who am I kidding? Love is fucking frightening. Its a place we are too young to be in, too old to try, and just right to give it a shot.

Love is nothing written above. Love is what YOU want it to be. But to me, Love is a place I am dying to go to. A psalm I am dying to listen to. A taste my tongue is dying to savor. A smell my nostrils are waiting to come by.

Love is wanting to be wanted. Love is being desired in all ways shapes and forms.

Love is my friend, but yet my enemy. Love is my life, but yet it kills me. Love is not being able to control the flames coming out of me. Love is nothing that everyone says it is. Love is something no one could ever give an explanation to. No one, but yourself.

Love is waiting for you to let it in, no matter how much time you fall and get bruised. Love is precious. Hang on to it. And if you don’t know if what you have is love, hang on to it more. Because love is the unknowing.

Love only hits you once. Once. Only if you’re lucky. Only.

TBC…

-Danna

Who I am & What I do

I could say I’m just a chick typing behind a screen, but that’d be the first and only lie you’d have from me. Truth is, I am a female behind a screen typing some words down, I’m the girl at that table across from you with headphones in her ears and a Starbuck’s Venti Mocha Frap right next to her for company. I’m the girl sitting down by the window scribbling away in a gold trimmed journal. I’m the girl wanting to make a difference in the world just like everyone else who claims the same. But that’s what makes me different, I’m going to be the one to make it happen.

I want to be someone’s inspiration, someone’s light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be the reason people decide to check the end of that tunnel for that light. I’ve been through some pretty tough poo, and I’m still here. My reason to blog is for that; to serve as someone’s motivation to never give up.

I hope that by blogging I can make a difference. I hope, pray and wish that my writing will serve as someone’s reason to put down the blade and return the pills back to the cabinet. My only dream is to be there when someone needs me. I know how lonely nights can get and to a point, days can get darker than nights; I know it. Just don’t give up. Ever. 

Read, comment, email me, or whatever. I’m one of those freaks who answers to everybody because I believe everyone deserves a chance at this life. Keep on keeping on. In the end you’re a survivor. We all are.

You’re scarred with strength, and don’t ever be ashamed of that.

-danna